H

Super-sized earrings and gold chunky bling

Tees with rolled sleeves and shortened slogans

Peppermint sheepskin and soft purple leather

Mute virgin socks and loud lacy legwear

Parallel wide stripes and paisley print layers

The House of Holland AW10 collection takes me right back to the good ol’ days… 

There’s a sure-fire skill to transforming the cringingly bad into the achingly cool. I mean, I seriously wanna be a Holland hoochie. In fact I was bought up on a council estate in the 80s and early 90s, so it would be like going back to my roots, glossy style. And however much those head-upside-down-hair-brushed-forward ponytails hurt I will be sporting one come summer because A. It takes me back to my childhood and B. I’ll be uber fashion-forward – Yes, a high side ponytail swishing sexily in my face, along with an oversized tee emblazoned with the abbreviation DFW, (that’s ‘Down For Whatever’ don’t cha know) tucked into something mini and multi-coloured.

Peppermint green is my new PSF (Pet Shade Forever) and the HOH sheepskin jacket (not pictured) in said shade, is on my FWL (fictional wish list). ‘Fictional’ because I’ll never afford it…

Gemma (younger sis), me, Leon Jackson, Zoe and our Mumzy

Mmm I see a pattern forming. I think I may have the Midas touch. OK, maybe not so for the last one.

Read on to hear about my latest X Factor experience…

Around 8 million people apply for X Factor tickets every year. You can’t buy them. Even when you get a response, you’re still not guaranteed to get in, it’s first-come-first-served. Lucky for us Zoe has known Dannii Minogue for a few years and tonight we are all Dannii’s ‘guests’, hence the serial X Factor pics. No, I’m not an X Factor stalker.

The torrential rain, traffic and detour to Zoe’s has made us dangerously behind schedule. Its 7:20pm! We’re here but we need to park – Then we spot a makeshift sign stating ‘X-Factor Car Park - £10 all day’ – Not a bad price for those who have to wait in line from 10am…

We totter past the queue of brollies. My suede fuchsia heels are sky-high – They aint made for walking. Everyone’s eyes follow us as we jump the line and head straight for the ‘Production Guest List Door’ We are given a ‘Dannii Minogue’ sign (an A4 piece of paper) and a wrist band that lets us into the hospitality bar after. As we arrive into the packed studio, we hear Alicia’s voice singing from behind the scenes – Is it a recording or is it actually Alicia warming up?? – We squeal with excitement. Floor crew escort us to our reserved seats which each read ‘Dannii Minogue’ in big bold letters and then our names underneath. As we take our seats, they rip our chair signs off – Is it so sad that I wanted to keep mine as a souvenir?? We are sat directly behind the judges, centre stage but thankfully out of camera shot. Helen can’t believe how small the studio is. ‘It’s SO tiny!’ she says in amazement. It really is much smaller than it looks on telly.

The production manager entertains the audience with crappy Simon Cowell jokes – the same every year – and I still laugh because I’m just so excited to be here again. We spot Sinitta in the audience wearing a bright green strapless dress – The woman never ages and her body is super toned. We see the singing coach in a sparkly blue number, Brian the show’s choreographer and then Rhydian, runner-up from two years ago – met him too! Very nice and chatty - His platinum hair shimmering bright. Darren says ‘He looks like someone from Lazy Days’ and my yet-to-have-kids sister goes ‘Huh??’

The show’s about to go on air and we have to stand, clap and whoop as Dermot O’Leary bounces onto stage. It’s so surreal I feel like I’m watching a 3-D film…

Dermot introduces ‘the judges’ as they emerge through sliding doors. I focus on Dannii and Cheryl as they walk like little Barbie dolls to their seat. Helen points out to me that Dannii’s dress matches my shoes and Cheryl is wearing black tights like she is – We’re in sync with the stars! The remaining contestants Olly, Joe, Danyl, Lloyd and Stacey perform The Scissor Sisters I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’. I don’t like the song and I’m not overly enthralled by the (mimed) act. There’s fireworks and falling balloons before loads of (pre-planned) people run on stage and frantically pop them during the commercial break. Then a piano in parts is hastily built in the middle of the stage and two men polish it like a car. Alicia Keys is coming! We’re back on air and as her introductory edit shows on the three massive backdrop screens (and to the people at home), Alicia emerges on stage to get into place behind her buffed piano. The audience fusses with anticipation and she baby waves us with both hands before boldly wrenching up her red leather, boob tube jumpsuit – I LOVE her! She sits at her signature piano and just before her cue she does a Stevie Wonder neck jig to her own track (from the introduction). Then Alicia’s act commences… She treats us to a triple medley; Empire State of Mind the Jay Z track which she features, her new single Doesn’t Mean Anything and the brilliant hit No One. I’m totally enjoying her pitch-perfect performance, so much so I don’t want it to end. I’ve seen Alicia live about five years ago at Sheppard’s Bush Empire – Mos Def suddenly appeared during You Don’t Know My Name – I love his voice too - and the crowd went crazy. Alicia was amazing then as she is now… I remember coming out of that venue feeling so completely talentless, it was slightly depressing.

Alicia’s X-Factor appearance is over too soon. Dermot does his usual WOW-that-was-INCREDIBLE!! growl at her and Alicia speaks back in soothingly warm, husky tones – Bloody hell I’m glad her arse is wide otherwise she’d be annoyingly perfect…

Next up is Rihanna and I think uh-oh she’ll never match Alicia, bet she’s wishing she came on Westlife night. Rihanna is good but the audience is still buzzing from Alicia and her act gets slightly lost. She’s a big girl by the way, very tall. However, she doesn’t ooze the same level of confidence as Alicia does.

Another four minute commercial break and the judges nip off… again, apart from Louis who has to endure the production manager taking the piss out of him. We know that Simon and Cheryl smoke (yes, not as pure as she looks eh?!) but where’s Dannii going? Can’t it wait? Whenever Cheryl, Dannii or Stacey walk in and out of the studio they are aided as if they’re alighting a yacht. I also notice that Simon Cowell has constantly got his right elbow resting on Cheryl’s chair. He frequently leans over to whisper in her ear and as he does he always puts his hand tenderly on the back of her neck… Yuk!!

The results take place in dramatic fashion, it’s so tense! As Olly is announced as the fourth and final semi-finalist, there’s rapturous applause and poor Lloyd stands there like a lost lemon. He sings us out with A Million Love Songs – He actually sounds quite good. The audience sways and sings along with him. Lloyd looks like a young David Beckham.

Holly Willoughby appears to present the Xtra Factor show aired on ITV2. We have to stay seated while the judges answer live phone-in questions. They are right behind us on the other side of the glass. If we stood up we’d be in shot. The audience watches on the huge stage screens in front. It’s like we’re all in a big living room together.

The phone-in ends and those with wristbands – Ooh that’s us! – are requested to leave the studio first. We are shown to the hospitality bar where the contestant’s friends and family go for after-show drinks… We spot a snack machine and buy polos, to share because neither of us has bought any chewing gum and we all want to have fresh breath when meeting the contestants – They’re soft and stale… Then we spy Joe McElderry in trackie bottoms and a green hoodie – Aww! Cute! – He is TINY… Helen calls out to him before anyone else notices him. He whips round and we beckon him over. Joe happily poses with us while Darren takes on the paparazzi role. People are now watching and waiting their turn which is a bit off putting. Helen, clearly in her element turns to Joe and blurts out ‘I love you!’ right in his face. He is really polite, gives us his undivided attention and full eye contact when we speak to him. This is the moment we decide JOE MUST WIN! We then get photos with Brian Friedman, who’s fully made up and a bit orange but smells gorgeous and Danyl who’s very posh, has a wide smile and is wearing a bobbly cardigan with a granddad top undone. It’s not a sexy look but hey, he has time for us.

A man holding a young child in a ‘Stacey’ T-shirt is standing in front of us. We realise it must be Stacey’s little boy because there’s an age limit and it’s higher than two! Helen asks ‘Are you Granddad?’ and the man jokes that he’s the little boy’s Granddad, not Stacey’s. We tell him we’re from Essex too! We suss that Stacey must be coming soon. Meanwhile Dannii’s PA comes over to say Hi to Zoe. She gives Helen two signed Dannii photos addressed to each of her daughters - Zoe had arranged it secretly before hand. Helen is chuffed. I already have one at home but these pictures are much better.

Stacey finally appears but she doesn’t stop. Two men either side of her rush her through as if she’s a mental patient or something. Stacey, half smiling, looks uncomfortable, petrified and totally bewildered, like… she’s a mental patient or something. I quickly try to take a picture and get her backside which is in a brown velour Lipsy tracksuit. You can take the girl out of Dagenham…

Then Olly appears in a red lumberjack shirt. He’s not really my type but I can see why girls are attracted to him, he’s more manly compared to the other male contestants. His accent is a bit too ‘Essex’ – That’s coming from someone from Essex… He is stopped by some girls, we hold back patiently. Then he greets his friends and family while people crowd round snapping their cameras in the air over each other’s heads. The growing crowd draws closer and we are pushed further away. Not wanting too appear completely sad and desperate, we back away. Security hone in and demand everyone leave as its closing time. I’m hungry anyway…

We drive home tucking into our pre-prepared feast; Jake’s cakes, my homemade cookies and iced cappuccino. It’s been a great night!

When I get home I jump straight online – It’s just past midnight and Alicia Keys tickets to her May show at the O2 are just released on sale. Good timing! I book two of the best seats for myself and my daughter. And as I climb into bed I think Joe’s going to win… and whaddya know??

JakeBakesCakes.com - Freshly Manmade

It’s been so long since my last post that I couldn’t even remember my log in details! But I do have a very valid reason for my temporary disappearing act. I had to take time out to concentrate on other projects but now I’m back to blogging, back to beauty and back to business! There’s a lot to catch up on… In brief I’ve set up TheRubyCarpet.com - An online boutique and pop-up shop featuring niche brands loved by A-list stars. I’ve helped my hubby set up his fabulous cake company JakeBakesCakes.com - Delicious home-baked, man-size cupcakes! – You know what they say… behind every successful man is a strong woman. Ahem… I’ve also assisted my super talented twin sister Zoe, the designer and illustrator of soul water – gorgeous chic note cards – at Top Drawer trade show and The Spirit of Christmas Fair in Kensington. AND I’ve been busy writing for the brilliant Busygirlsguide.co.uk. So you see I’ve not been sitting on my backside watching crappy daytime TV with a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s… OK, maybe on one or two days. Nor have I been sunning myself in the Bahamas for the past four months… I wish! No-sir-ree. I have been virtually vying for the role as the next Wonder Woman. Oh I also made the finals of the Southend Business Awards for Young Entrepreneur of the Year - At 33 (and a half) I just made the 35 year age limit. In truth, I’m knackered! I could do with that holiday in the Bahamas… However, now that I have much of the ground work done business-wise, I intend to continue with blogging much more frequently - There’s so much I have to tell and as bonkers as it may sound, this blog may keep me sane.

Next Sunday I’ll be at the LIVE X-Factor show and I’m hoping for a good international superstar to perform… Please let it be Beyonce! So I’ll definitely report back to beauty base with all the juicy, gossip… Like what happens during the commercial break, just how tight Olly’s trousers really are, just how high Simon Cowell’s trousers really are. Are Dannii and Cheryl honestly good friends? And is Danyl as pretentious as the mere spelling of his name? All will be revealed soon! Till then, why not treat yourselves to a yummy cupcake… or six…

I’ve always been a sucker for anything with my name on it, because, having an unusually fruity name, it usually means it’s been designed and made especially for yours truly.

Would you just check out my úber-cool, personalised necklace from ‘it’ online, jewellery store, www.Kendijewlz.com? [Excuse the heaving cleavage… not] It’s so Studio 54, so Miami, so me! Do you see the snowflake charm? See what I did there?

Be warned. The array of colours, fonts, styles, metals and materials on offer will have you so spoilt for choice, you could be in danger of wanting more! More! More! You can pretty much request anything your heart desires and Kendi will deliver your custom-made candy in just two to three weeks.

Celebrities are loving the personal touch too. Sarah Harding was recently pictured wearing a Flirt Acrylic Name Necklace [from £25], complete with star charm. Lady Gaga has an initial necklace and Jordan was papped, just before her shock-split from Peter Andre, with a big pink P on her enhanced chest. Good job her real surname is ‘Price’.

My Kendi candy of choice above: Funky Flirt Write-o-mite font in polar-white frost acrylic, with blush outline, complete with silver snowflake. £28

www.cherriesnow.com

I spy with my little eye something beginning with… absolute and ending in genius.

Fresh from the filler that not many people could pronounce, Tri-Aktiline, comes an equal tongue-twister title, Eyliplex-2. A duo, day & night eye treatment with 124 ingredients [no less] packed into what looks like an enlarged version of my contact lens case.

The high-tech formulas restore firmness and reduce lines and dark circles instantly. And as if that isn’t convincing enough, the textures will really have you sold… The day gel is so refreshing, it completely reawakens my tired, puffy peepers in the morning. And the night balm is exactly what I need to soothe and calm my eyes from the stresses and strains of the day. Officially another must-have hero from Good Skin Labs.

Eyliplex-2 Eye Lift + Circle Reducer 2 x 10ml, £28.37 | Available from Boots | Stockists 0870 034 2566

www.cherriesnow.com