Published at: 10:12 pm - Thursday December 17 2009
It’s Sunday 29th November and I’m due to be picked up by my best friend (of 22 years) Helen and her husband Darren, at 4pm. We are going to the LIVE X Factor results show! Without meaning to sound boastful, it’s actually the third year running for me but this time I’m more excited because Alicia Keys and Rihanna are performing - Not one but TWO international superstars! We have to take a detour to South London to collect my twin sister Zoe, before arriving at the Fountain Studios in Wembley for 6:30pm. Doors close promptly at 7:30pm and recording commences at 8pm. It’s absolutely chucking it down and I’m grateful that we’re travelling in Helen and Darren’s all-mod-cons car complete with heated seats, DVD, fridge… It’s a far cry from my all-cons-no-mods Astra complete with dents (I didn’t make all of them) bird shit and sellotape holding the right side light in place. MTV pimp my ride! And send Xzibit, not that other twat…
Around 8 million people apply for X Factor tickets every year. You can’t buy them. Even when you get a response, you’re still not guaranteed to get in, it’s first-come-first-served. Lucky for us Zoe has known Dannii Minogue for a few years and tonight we are all Dannii’s ‘guests’, hence the serial X Factor pics. No, I’m not an X Factor stalker.
The torrential rain, traffic and detour to Zoe’s has made us dangerously behind schedule. Its 7:20pm! We’re here but we need to park – Then we spot a makeshift sign stating ‘X-Factor Car Park - £10 all day’ – Not a bad price for those who have to wait in line from 10am…
We totter past the queue of brollies. My suede fuchsia heels are sky-high – They aint made for walking. Everyone’s eyes follow us as we jump the line and head straight for the ‘Production Guest List Door’ We are given a ‘Dannii Minogue’ sign (an A4 piece of paper) and a wrist band that lets us into the hospitality bar after. As we arrive into the packed studio, we hear Alicia’s voice singing from behind the scenes – Is it a recording or is it actually Alicia warming up?? – We squeal with excitement. Floor crew escort us to our reserved seats which each read ‘Dannii Minogue’ in big bold letters and then our names underneath. As we take our seats, they rip our chair signs off – Is it so sad that I wanted to keep mine as a souvenir?? We are sat directly behind the judges, centre stage but thankfully out of camera shot. Helen can’t believe how small the studio is. ‘It’s SO tiny!’ she says in amazement. It really is much smaller than it looks on telly.
The production manager entertains the audience with crappy Simon Cowell jokes – the same every year – and I still laugh because I’m just so excited to be here again. We spot Sinitta in the audience wearing a bright green strapless dress – The woman never ages and her body is super toned. We see the singing coach in a sparkly blue number, Brian the show’s choreographer and then Rhydian, runner-up from two years ago – met him too! Very nice and chatty - His platinum hair shimmering bright. Darren says ‘He looks like someone from Lazy Days’ and my yet-to-have-kids sister goes ‘Huh??’
The show’s about to go on air and we have to stand, clap and whoop as Dermot O’Leary bounces onto stage. It’s so surreal I feel like I’m watching a 3-D film…
Dermot introduces ‘the judges’ as they emerge through sliding doors. I focus on Dannii and Cheryl as they walk like little Barbie dolls to their seat. Helen points out to me that Dannii’s dress matches my shoes and Cheryl is wearing black tights like she is – We’re in sync with the stars! The remaining contestants Olly, Joe, Danyl, Lloyd and Stacey perform The Scissor Sisters I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’. I don’t like the song and I’m not overly enthralled by the (mimed) act. There’s fireworks and falling balloons before loads of (pre-planned) people run on stage and frantically pop them during the commercial break. Then a piano in parts is hastily built in the middle of the stage and two men polish it like a car. Alicia Keys is coming! We’re back on air and as her introductory edit shows on the three massive backdrop screens (and to the people at home), Alicia emerges on stage to get into place behind her buffed piano. The audience fusses with anticipation and she baby waves us with both hands before boldly wrenching up her red leather, boob tube jumpsuit – I LOVE her! She sits at her signature piano and just before her cue she does a Stevie Wonder neck jig to her own track (from the introduction). Then Alicia’s act commences… She treats us to a triple medley; Empire State of Mind the Jay Z track which she features, her new single Doesn’t Mean Anything and the brilliant hit No One. I’m totally enjoying her pitch-perfect performance, so much so I don’t want it to end. I’ve seen Alicia live about five years ago at Sheppard’s Bush Empire – Mos Def suddenly appeared during You Don’t Know My Name – I love his voice too - and the crowd went crazy. Alicia was amazing then as she is now… I remember coming out of that venue feeling so completely talentless, it was slightly depressing.
Alicia’s X-Factor appearance is over too soon. Dermot does his usual WOW-that-was-INCREDIBLE!! growl at her and Alicia speaks back in soothingly warm, husky tones – Bloody hell I’m glad her arse is wide otherwise she’d be annoyingly perfect…
Next up is Rihanna and I think uh-oh she’ll never match Alicia, bet she’s wishing she came on Westlife night. Rihanna is good but the audience is still buzzing from Alicia and her act gets slightly lost. She’s a big girl by the way, very tall. However, she doesn’t ooze the same level of confidence as Alicia does.
Another four minute commercial break and the judges nip off… again, apart from Louis who has to endure the production manager taking the piss out of him. We know that Simon and Cheryl smoke (yes, not as pure as she looks eh?!) but where’s Dannii going? Can’t it wait? Whenever Cheryl, Dannii or Stacey walk in and out of the studio they are aided as if they’re alighting a yacht. I also notice that Simon Cowell has constantly got his right elbow resting on Cheryl’s chair. He frequently leans over to whisper in her ear and as he does he always puts his hand tenderly on the back of her neck… Yuk!!
The results take place in dramatic fashion, it’s so tense! As Olly is announced as the fourth and final semi-finalist, there’s rapturous applause and poor Lloyd stands there like a lost lemon. He sings us out with A Million Love Songs – He actually sounds quite good. The audience sways and sings along with him. Lloyd looks like a young David Beckham.
Holly Willoughby appears to present the Xtra Factor show aired on ITV2. We have to stay seated while the judges answer live phone-in questions. They are right behind us on the other side of the glass. If we stood up we’d be in shot. The audience watches on the huge stage screens in front. It’s like we’re all in a big living room together.
The phone-in ends and those with wristbands – Ooh that’s us! – are requested to leave the studio first. We are shown to the hospitality bar where the contestant’s friends and family go for after-show drinks… We spot a snack machine and buy polos, to share because neither of us has bought any chewing gum and we all want to have fresh breath when meeting the contestants – They’re soft and stale… Then we spy Joe McElderry in trackie bottoms and a green hoodie – Aww! Cute! – He is TINY… Helen calls out to him before anyone else notices him. He whips round and we beckon him over. Joe happily poses with us while Darren takes on the paparazzi role. People are now watching and waiting their turn which is a bit off putting. Helen, clearly in her element turns to Joe and blurts out ‘I love you!’ right in his face. He is really polite, gives us his undivided attention and full eye contact when we speak to him. This is the moment we decide JOE MUST WIN! We then get photos with Brian Friedman, who’s fully made up and a bit orange but smells gorgeous and Danyl who’s very posh, has a wide smile and is wearing a bobbly cardigan with a granddad top undone. It’s not a sexy look but hey, he has time for us.
A man holding a young child in a ‘Stacey’ T-shirt is standing in front of us. We realise it must be Stacey’s little boy because there’s an age limit and it’s higher than two! Helen asks ‘Are you Granddad?’ and the man jokes that he’s the little boy’s Granddad, not Stacey’s. We tell him we’re from Essex too! We suss that Stacey must be coming soon. Meanwhile Dannii’s PA comes over to say Hi to Zoe. She gives Helen two signed Dannii photos addressed to each of her daughters - Zoe had arranged it secretly before hand. Helen is chuffed. I already have one at home but these pictures are much better.
Stacey finally appears but she doesn’t stop. Two men either side of her rush her through as if she’s a mental patient or something. Stacey, half smiling, looks uncomfortable, petrified and totally bewildered, like… she’s a mental patient or something. I quickly try to take a picture and get her backside which is in a brown velour Lipsy tracksuit. You can take the girl out of Dagenham…
Then Olly appears in a red lumberjack shirt. He’s not really my type but I can see why girls are attracted to him, he’s more manly compared to the other male contestants. His accent is a bit too ‘Essex’ – That’s coming from someone from Essex… He is stopped by some girls, we hold back patiently. Then he greets his friends and family while people crowd round snapping their cameras in the air over each other’s heads. The growing crowd draws closer and we are pushed further away. Not wanting too appear completely sad and desperate, we back away. Security hone in and demand everyone leave as its closing time. I’m hungry anyway…
We drive home tucking into our pre-prepared feast; Jake’s cakes, my homemade cookies and iced cappuccino. It’s been a great night!
When I get home I jump straight online – It’s just past midnight and Alicia Keys tickets to her May show at the O2 are just released on sale. Good timing! I book two of the best seats for myself and my daughter. And as I climb into bed I think Joe’s going to win… and whaddya know??
If you were stuck in the jungle with only ONE beauty product, what would it be? 
